I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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