So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
