You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You are a genius and a whore.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
