so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You pole danced in your parka.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
