WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
