Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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