no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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