dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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