if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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