I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I fill condoms, not promises.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
