On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
