Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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