He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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