I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
