The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
