Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
