I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
