we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
