how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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