Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize