I could make wine with my vomit
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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