Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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