I want to have your abortion
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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