I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
