Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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