Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
