I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
