He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
