it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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