She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
