I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
