im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
