I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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