Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
