We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
