I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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