The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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