I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
