I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
