Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
