i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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