its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
