have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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