i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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