i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize