I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
