oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If I die, sorry about rent.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
