Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
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