yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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