Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
