Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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