Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
