I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
