3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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