I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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