I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
