my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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